THIS JUST IN: America’s Literati Are Abandoning Ship!

Upon news of the recent Presidential confirmation of George ‘Dubya’ Bush, tens of thousands of the most intelligent people in America are relocating north just over the Canadian border. Many are reporting accounts of direct and hostile harassment by the Bush/Cheney camp.

Explains Zaia Olinger, a 36 yr. old performance artist formerly of Greenwich Village: “Like, these 2 fat, white men in suits just came to my door and said, ‘You show your private pahts one more time up there on stage, Lil ‘Missy and we will stockade yer ass ta Betsy!!!’–and in exactly that tone & cadence, too . . . so I ran. You betcha.”

Former San-Franciscan Web Developer Sharahn O’Malley recounted a similar tale: “Oh yea, well, these 2 fat white men in suits accosted me while I was leaving my apt. bldg and asked me about an essay I wrote in 7th grade called ‘Why We Should Feed The Poor’–they stabbed their stout fingers into my Wonderbra and called me an ‘effing communist faggot’ . . . they then told me to leave the country or face criminal prosecution. Funk that–Vancouver, B.C. kicks Corpulent Texas ASS!!!”

Already some reports are trickling in of broken-down offices in the midwest–Bush Country–due to lack of IT staff. John Rothchild, a Republican businessman from Ohio, explains: “Well, we used to er, ask this real smart guy see about this here box here with all them little bitty things in it–you know, the box that talks to Satan–but, er, we done burned that fella on account of him being so smart and all–cuz they is usually left-handed, uh, liberal commie-fags or something . . . they eat like, rabbit food and stuff . . . so anyway all our Satan-boxes are dead . . . which is good cuz little Timmy can’t see no naked pictures but uh . . . we can’t like use them for business and stuff.”

The mass exodus sparked by news of the Bush Presidency seems so far only to have hit the 2 coasts–which many are reporting to now resemble ghost towns . . .