Expires in 4 days from this posting, 3 free episodes of Portlandia on Hulu
Collapsity – you’re bathing in it.
You hear me, America? You are bathing in it. You are in it up to your skullcaps. You developed schools to make good factory workers and then you shipped all your factories overseas. You gave the keys to your society to the corporations and military-industrial-congressional complex and you have been thusly, richly raped. Blood and sweat and deformed semen are streaming down your legs and you are oblivious to this, swatting instead at fictitious enemies from the land of make-believe.
The money is gone and is not coming back. It is overseas now, guarded and lost. Your population has been left to crumble. You have been divided into two colors while your real overlord laughs and counts the cash.
Either shoot yourself or shoot each other or rebuild from the bottom up.
Face your collapsity.
Then decide what to do next.
Collapsity follows several characters through the end of the Great Recession and on into the eventual collapse of world society and the warming of the planet into the dreaded plus two degrees worldwide average celsius resulting in positive feedback deathspin (and an additional four degrees from there). Tip Wire is a former internet guru who has fallen on hard times visited by an old friend he never actually met who impels him into action: Tip is shown what will happen and must act. Some of the other characters include Layla: East Indian premed student and online adult cam star, Lance Lantern: hunky Dilf with an unhealthy obsession for a specific kind of zombie killing which there is no evidence for, the super rich and very sociopathic incestuous twins Don and Donna, and Athena, a passionate old school environmental activist who might be a little too old school for the modern world. A minivan turns into a caravan, a road trip is ensued, a promised land chased. And on the way Tip plants the seeds of science so that hopefully when – if – mankind raises again, it will never do this to itself again.
Cheers, and then some.
– menlo the white
US Announces New Ally: Harvey
March 13, 2003 – THE WHITE HOUSE – Today Colin Powell announced a powerful new US ally in the war on Iraq: Harvey. “He’s big, he’s mean, and he’s invisible.” Colin Powell told reporters. “This kind of ally can do significant damage over there.”
Colin Powell then told the reporters that they could ask Harvey questions, but since Powell was the only one who could hear Harvey, he would have to translate Harvey’s responses.
Helen Thomas raised her hand and was immediately escorted to the hallway (“for her own protection”). Colin Powell, after consulting his list, called on Jerry Braun from the AP. Jerry asked, “Harvey, which do you prefer, french fries or freedom fries?”
The room laughs. Colin laughs, too, then nods as he listens to Harvey’s response before saying, “Freedom fries, of course. With lots of ketchup.”
The White House press corp laughs harder. Some wipe tears from their eyes.
Colin looks at the list again and then calls on Mary Watanabe from the Duluth Herald. “Harvey, as we all know, Saddam Hussein is hoarding enough weapons of mass destruction to turn our beautiful big earth into nothing but a radioactive desert for millenia to come. So, even though you are aided by the heroic beyond-all-ability-to-describe US military, aren’t you at all concerned for your safety?”
Colin bows his head slightly while he listens, this time his brow furrowing. “Yes, great question. Well, I love this country, enough to die for it. And I love the innocent civilians of Iraq, as well. That’s why I’m willing to die to liberate them as well from the murderous dictator known as Saddam Hussein. So, there you go.”
Colin raises his head and calls on another reporter from his list.
Joe Coleman from CNN asks: “Harvey, since you’re invisible, will you be sent on a mission which can best utilize this ability? Namely, the assassination of Saddam Hussein? And I have a followup question.”
Colin listens for a minute and then responds, “I can’t talk at all about my missions right now, Joe. Let’s just say that whatever I do, I do it for freedom, I do it for America, and I do it for God.” Colin pauses and then asks for the followup question.
Joe: “If you’re back by Easter could you come over to my house for my little daughter’s Easter party? Perhaps we could paint your fur so that you could be seen–you’d make so many kids very happy.”
Colin listens then, “I’d love to, Joe. Right after the Hero’s Welcome Parade. The only thing I look forward to more than seeing newly liberated Iraqis jumping up and down in the street for joy because now they are free to develop their own democracy–after envying ours for so many years–is coming home to a Hero’s Welcome here in America. Especially the parade in New York city to welcome us back with love, cheers and thousands of patriotic streamers!”
Colin then calls on Mimi Applegate from USA TODAY. Mimi: “Harvey, I don’t have a question but a comment: WE LOVE YOU HARVEY!!!” The room cheers. [Coincidentally, this became the headline on the next day’s issue of USA TODAY.] Russell Mokhiber raises his hand to ask a question and is immediately escorted out into the hallway (“for his own protection”).
Colin thanks everyone for coming and relays to them Harvey’s last words: “God Bless you, and God Bless America!” before closing the press conference by leading the White House press corp in a rousing recitation of the Pledge of Allegiance. Many wipe tears from their eyes. The end.
REPUBLICANS PROPOSE PETS-TO-WORK BILL
IN AN EFFORT designed both to stimulate the economy and further the government’s crackdown on welfare, two Republican Representatives–Robert McKinney of Ohio and Bob Barr of Tennessee–today proposed the “Pets-to-Work Bill.”
Explains McKinney: “There are ten million live domesticated pet-animals living in this country right now. What are they doing all day?”