US Announces New Ally: Harvey
March 13, 2003 – THE WHITE HOUSE – Today Colin Powell announced a powerful new US ally in the war on Iraq: Harvey. “He’s big, he’s mean, and he’s invisible.” Colin Powell told reporters. “This kind of ally can do significant damage over there.”
Colin Powell then told the reporters that they could ask Harvey questions, but since Powell was the only one who could hear Harvey, he would have to translate Harvey’s responses.
Helen Thomas raised her hand and was immediately escorted to the hallway (“for her own protection”). Colin Powell, after consulting his list, called on Jerry Braun from the AP. Jerry asked, “Harvey, which do you prefer, french fries or freedom fries?”
The room laughs. Colin laughs, too, then nods as he listens to Harvey’s response before saying, “Freedom fries, of course. With lots of ketchup.”
The White House press corp laughs harder. Some wipe tears from their eyes.
Colin looks at the list again and then calls on Mary Watanabe from the Duluth Herald. “Harvey, as we all know, Saddam Hussein is hoarding enough weapons of mass destruction to turn our beautiful big earth into nothing but a radioactive desert for millenia to come. So, even though you are aided by the heroic beyond-all-ability-to-describe US military, aren’t you at all concerned for your safety?”
Colin bows his head slightly while he listens, this time his brow furrowing. “Yes, great question. Well, I love this country, enough to die for it. And I love the innocent civilians of Iraq, as well. That’s why I’m willing to die to liberate them as well from the murderous dictator known as Saddam Hussein. So, there you go.”
Colin raises his head and calls on another reporter from his list.
Joe Coleman from CNN asks: “Harvey, since you’re invisible, will you be sent on a mission which can best utilize this ability? Namely, the assassination of Saddam Hussein? And I have a followup question.”
Colin listens for a minute and then responds, “I can’t talk at all about my missions right now, Joe. Let’s just say that whatever I do, I do it for freedom, I do it for America, and I do it for God.” Colin pauses and then asks for the followup question.
Joe: “If you’re back by Easter could you come over to my house for my little daughter’s Easter party? Perhaps we could paint your fur so that you could be seen–you’d make so many kids very happy.”
Colin listens then, “I’d love to, Joe. Right after the Hero’s Welcome Parade. The only thing I look forward to more than seeing newly liberated Iraqis jumping up and down in the street for joy because now they are free to develop their own democracy–after envying ours for so many years–is coming home to a Hero’s Welcome here in America. Especially the parade in New York city to welcome us back with love, cheers and thousands of patriotic streamers!”
Colin then calls on Mimi Applegate from USA TODAY. Mimi: “Harvey, I don’t have a question but a comment: WE LOVE YOU HARVEY!!!” The room cheers. [Coincidentally, this became the headline on the next day’s issue of USA TODAY.] Russell Mokhiber raises his hand to ask a question and is immediately escorted out into the hallway (“for his own protection”).
Colin thanks everyone for coming and relays to them Harvey’s last words: “God Bless you, and God Bless America!” before closing the press conference by leading the White House press corp in a rousing recitation of the Pledge of Allegiance. Many wipe tears from their eyes. The end.